The "Indirect dowry"

Indeed, dowry is a practice that's frowned upon. Overtly asking for dowry is viewed as a despicable act - still, the bride's family gives stuff in the name of 'gift' and for their daughter's use in the new home and the groom and his family won't refuse. This is called

Yet, that's the normal scenario. But, even when there is no 'gift = dowry' involved in the earliest stage of marriage, the bride's family still feels the responsibility of 'giving' and the groom family feeling the entitlement of 'receiving' much, much later. This giving is not termed as 'gift' but as 'help' and the parents of the bride dig deep into their savings. I call this 'indirect dowry'. There is no demand from the groom's side but there's no refusal either.

The parents of the married daughter think by 'helping' their son-in-law and his family, they are making the life of their daughter easier. For example, X's husband discloses his intention to start a business and talks about taking a bank loan. X tells her parents about that and the folks fret about their son-in-law paying the loan back with interest which would require X to pitch in and tighten budgets to pay the loan off. So, they give their son-in-law a huge amount of money which he gladly accepts. The action of giving money to X's husband is also supported if not encouraged by relatives because it's for the benefit of X ultimately.

Now what makes me say that this is indirect dowry? It's because the son-in-law doesn't pay the money back. Neither anyone tells him that he should pay his in-laws back - his family, relatives, society. Even if his in-laws have sudden major expenses like medical treatment, house renovation, etc, it doesn't occur to the son-in-law that paying his in-laws back is the right thing to do. Neither does he compensate in other ways like taking them to the hospital, getting them stuff or even visiting them out of his own accord. The given money isn't considered as debt by any standards. So, what else remains? The entitlement on behalf of the groom and his family that it's the responsibility of a bride's parents to relieve them off their monetary deficit without them being remotely reciprocating or grateful. What is this if not dowry?

If X wants to start a business, will her parents-in-law dig deep into their savings to finance her business? Nope, again, only her parents will have to give money to her or she'll be reduced to opt for a bank loan. This is clearly a one way street. But, a married Indian woman is supposed to think of her husband's family as her family but her husband's family won't help her if she wants to start a business - her parents only should bankroll the endeavour and the same goes if her husband wants to start a business. The husband's family money is safely tucked away. If not money then the woman's jewellery that her parents/she bought gets pawned under the emotional blackmail of, "Don't you think my family as your family?" Does any Indian guy give money or tell his wife to pawn her jewellery when his in-laws are in a hardship? This is a tacit understanding or rather tacit hypocrisy in which married Indian women and their parents are at the losing end while the married Indian men and his family reap benefits. This is a system niftily designed as a bulwark for patriarchy and it needs to be called out and remedied.

Money unasked yet not refused and neither paid back, having the attitude of, 'kidaichathe pothum' (it's enough that I got money FOC). Not even paying it forward by visiting in-laws and getting them foodstuff or asking if they need anything. This is a very lowly act or rather inaction that does disservice to your dignity and honour Indian men.

To parents of Indian women, keep your savings - it's your money and no man is entitled to it just because he married your daughter. You'll need money to be independent as you age and illnesses beset you. To Indian women, don't tell your husband/in-laws' financial problem to your parents and make them feel guilty to the point they offer money - rant but strictly refuse money from your parents and don't tell about your parents readiness to help to your husband and in-laws. Indian men, settle your shit yourself, figuring life out together with the woman you married - if you brag about not taking dowry but don't treat the money you received from your in-laws to settle your shit as a must pay back debt or compensate it with helpful deeds, especially when they're having it hard. then you're nothing but an entitled lentil with a modern man facade. Indian men and women need to act like adults and solve their monetary shortcomings by themselves - if cannot, don't get married.