Toxic masculinity - how it affects both genders adversely

Previously, I wrote that boys should be taught right. Now, let's discuss what happens when boys are taught to be a man, fearless, not feeling pain, emotionless, non vulnerable and stronger than women.

Let's see a very physical aspect, height. How many of you guys are willing to date girls who are taller than you? How many of you are willing to marry taller girls? We all know that Katrina Kaif is taller than Aamir Khan and Anushka Shetty and Kajal Agarwal are taller than Surya. Yet, in movies, we see that these men and women are suddenly of the same height! And, this is only a part of the problem.

Patriarchy isn't only toxic for women, it's toxic for men too - it doesn't only draws lines on how women should be, it also draws lines on how men should be. If I am to ask you, the traits of a man, you'd say strong, feeling no pain, tall, fearless, unrestrained, etc. So, are these men, in the video below, undergoing menstrual cramps simulation, are not men because they felt pain? If a guy is short or reedy, he's not a man? If a guy is afraid of roaches, he's not a man? If a guy is still virgin after 20, he is not a man - this is why Elliot Rogers went on a killing spree and later killed himself. It was because he couldn't fit into the 'masculine mold'.

I don't need to go far. In one year of operating KK on Facebook, trying to break patriarchal establishments in Indian culture, I have been harassed to no end by a rival page set up just to make us pull our punches and behave like women. This is because men who have been indoctrinated that women are not their partners of humanity and cooperation but inferior and competition and if the women are bold and outspoken, they ought to be put in their place by hook or crook, define masculinity like that. What's sad is, even women support that.

Patriarchy is harmful to men where it refers to the socially-constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, and so forth. A men's rights movements that's anti feminism is yet to exist. Toxic masculinity is rife in the Indian society, in our movies, the way we are brought up and ultimately how we coexist as opposite genders. Boys in our society are often told not to cry like girls.

The video above started with a right message but gets skewed towards the end, which makes many Indian men despise feminism. Rightfully, the message should be let boys cry so that they won't make others cry.

If you didn't cry when you're born, there's something wrong with you boys. Similarly, if you don't cry as adults, there's something wrong with you. You're incapable of communicating emotions and it's harmful. 

How you may ask. I remember a scene I saw some time back in the hospital. A toddler was getting an injection and he was bawling. His dad kept telling him not to cry and that he's a man, forcing him to say aloud, "I'm a man." The kid said 'I'm a man' woefully as his dad pushed him on. Then, in a fit of rage, the baby sputtered out, "I'm a man!" face contorted and red. This is what happens when boys are told not to show emotions - it bottles up and explodes as anger and violence. It doesn't help when they are constantly drilled in that girls are inferior because they cry, are afeared and thus should be docile.

Why do you think Swathi was murdered and similar cases are rife? It's because of emotion mismanagement - boys are told they can't cry because coming with a penis means that so the emotions transforms into full-blown anger and explode in violence, when something doesn't happen in their favour.

From whisper

Now, let's come to our Malaysian machas - fights breakout over a stare from fellow machas. Machas can mercilessly slash each other and kill ladies, seen in PD and JB slash cases. Pay attention to what Kamla Bhasin says in the video below.



We've been bombarded that men can never understand women and that women can never understand men. I have a guy friend who smokes and drinks and I was pestering him to stop. His line of defence was that I'm a girl so I won't understand. That was the ultimatum he gave me. What does my genitals has to do in understanding the guy's bad habits? Nothing. But toxic masculinity creates that brick-wall that has settled into the subconscious and accepted as the norm, that no true companionship can be had between different sexes. Though as a friend who cares for her friends' wellbeing, I shall continue to pester that guy friend of mine to quit his bad habits.

The pressure to be a Real man is real. The expectation that as a man, being strong is the crucial criteria and that showing emotion and thus vulnerability is not manly. Anger is the only emotion associated with being manly and is toxic when women express anger. We all know what happened to Neelambari. Women are expected to tolerate and bear the brunt of men's anger, never to retaliate. This is very skewed because like other emotions, anger is also gender blind - anyone can have it.

From QuotePick.com

Since men are stereotyped as strong an idea is formed that they cannot be a victim of abuse. There is something called male rape, perpetrated by both men and women but mostly men. Most men won't come clean about their rape because,

1. If the rapist is male, the male rape victim won't come clean because he will be branded gay which is a myth; a heterosexual man can be subjected to anal sex, it's not a gay thing.

2. If the rapist is female, it's a shame because he was not strong enough to fight her off. Men always are interested in sex, want to and ready to have sex at most times if not all times - this makes it very difficult for male rape victims to come forward with the account of their abuse

From Internet

Look at the meme above. If it was, "Japanese porn industry hit by shortage of women" and women give a similar reaction and posted online, by now the whole thing will hit the roof of grave disapproval. The character of the woman will be put on the fore for everyone to call her immoral, unethical and nymphomaniac even. No one calls a man immoral for wanting sex and expressing it openly. If a woman does it, she's branded a jezebel. Just think of the whole perception of premarital sex in the Indian society. If a guy does it, he's a stud, hero and the object of envy of his male friends. The girl that he had sex with is a slut, shameless and an object of scorn. While this may not seem like toxic masculinity, guys who don't want to have premarital sex or lose their virginity before marriage (yes, they exist) will be pressured to do 'the man thing' even when they're not inclined to. As a page for women, when we post on virginity and rape, the male Indian rival page's surefire tactic to mortify us is by calling us sex crazed. Vandi pages which feature pics of girls on the verge of being prostituted and guys publicly giving their number and lewdly commenting, no one calls them out as sex crazed as it is thought as men, it's natural. It's like saying men are incapable of consideration and compassion as most pics of girls on such pages is a result of revenge - the girls didn't consent to have their pics there.

From Nirmukta

Masculinity, off late, at least in our society, has taken up the habit of blaming girls. From rape to failure in life, girls are blamed and even killed. Rape is often associated with girls' dressing, that it triggers males to rape. This is toxic where it implies that all males are incapable of kindness, compassion, social manners and basic decency. This is why India, despite having female jet fighter pilots, world class female athletes and female scientists that made MOM possible is known as the rape capital and the world has a shadowy perception on Indian males. Thus, laws that favor women rape and dowry laws, IPC 498s are made in India and the laws are misused by the women there. And, since males are already branded as inherently cruel, incapable of kindness, compassion and love, it makes the system all too easy to work against them when they are innocent. And, since males are 'strong' them complaining about being victimized by cruel and evil women, women who want revenge or settle the scores over petty things, is laughed at literally. Many innocent men who are trapped in false dowry cases have committed suicide because they simply don't have a voice - their voice is silenced by patriarchy. See the video below, how mothers and sisters mourn the loss of a loving son and an adoring brother due to gender biased IPC 498a's misuse by women.



What patriarchy and masculinity extend is the idea that men cannot be victimised when it's very wrong - males are just as prone to be victims as women at the hands of both male and female. All that is in question is power. As you can see when the law is on the women's side, they have the power and they use it to victimize men. And, feminism is here to say men too can be victimized and the traits so called unmanly like being vulnerable is gender blind. The idea of feminism has become so skewed that people think its anti men when it only is inclusive of men and doing away of not only how a woman should be, but also how men should be - the point where masculinity becomes toxic to both men and women as it won't recognize humanly traits that both genders inherently have.

To solve this problem, we should stop gender stereotyping. It's okay for men to cry and be sensitive and women to be tough and bold. Let's recognize and respect each other as humans with free will and fill ourselves with love, kindness and compassion. Only then can we truly coexist and understand each other. For that, inter-gender communication is paramount. Let's understand each other instead of fighting each other.

~Assault Ambujam~ #OnlyAtKK