Marriage - Unfortunate validation & acceptance

Marriage - the one and only way Indians especially women validate and accept other women into their circles. Of course, in this due process - their validation means shunning unmarried Indian women as less adequate or incomplete. Let's just put it this way - marriage is the only way a woman will be recognized within the Indian community, even today. An example of this was apparent in a recent cousin's wedding. 

My cousin who happens to be younger than me was doing the whole 'arrathi' thing alongside with the rest of the married ladies. Guess what - she just got married two months ago and suddenly she is an important 'lady' among our relatives. We are talking about a 26 years old girl who grew up, got her basic education and got married. Definitely not any career minded woman who is aiming to conquer the world or establish herself. Today, she was given much respect and priority by other women within the family because she is married. 

Suddenly she transformed from a mere girl to a lady who knows it all while my sisters and I who are more accomplished, were practically sidelines/ignored.

Talking to some random girl friends whom are still single and are above 30 years old revealed somewhat the same pattern of treatment. Married girls - regardless of your age and achievements in life were accepted into the circle of Indian women compared to single ones. Does that make single, Indian women out there with successful career a failure with the their personal lives? Nope, not one bit. But that is exactly how such treatment among the Indian community makes us feel.

You see - this treatment came from women who seek to validate their own capacity and limitations in life. Married women including Indian aunties and grandmothers never had the chance of experiencing the outside world, let alone sit through board meetings or calling their own shots or making decisions which will have major impacts on projects. Nor do they come back with tonnes of paperwork which needs to be submitted the next day. Hence, their lives revolve around pots, pans, cooking food and etc.Thus, they take their marriage and household duties seriously and any woman who joins the ranks of 'married' automatically gets approval and admitted into the group by these women. And these women get to join in the group gossips and talks about their husbands - sharing experiences and exchanging ideas.

I accidentally walked in to the kitchen during one of these session and guess what? It was pin drop silence and every married women in that place - my cousin, aunties and a few other ladies were having that 'cat has swallowed a bird' look on their faces. And they waited until I left the kitchen to resume their gossip. I was really pissed off - I mean what is the big secret that they can't share with me, a graduate with several degrees? 

When I asked one of them, it was 'Unakku ithu lam puriyathu' (You won't understand all these). Like really? What exactly don't I understand? Sex? Intimacy? Abusive relationship? Compromising? Tolerating your drunk husband who comes home crawling on all fours? Pretty sure I can hold a good discussion on any of the topic given but these women just make me feel inadequate by dismissing me. 

Exactly this is the very reason why many Indian women are more than willing to embrace marriage and go into the 'washing machine' cycle voluntarily. I call it the 'washing machine cycle' because for generations, Indian women have been doing the same thing again and again in perfect cycles - grow up, get married, bear kids, raise kids, marry them off - and the cycle starts with the next generation all over.You can say - Indian women today have education privilege. Yes correct, yet that privilege means nothing except when your in-laws introduce you to others as - this is my daughter in law - a dentist/doctor/lawyer/engineer. That's the only difference between you and your mother and grandmother. Rest assured - you are doing exactly what the Indian women of yesteryear have been doing.

I am not saying that the Indian women should quickly stop getting married and dedicate their lives to career development. I am saying that I don't see much change in the Indian household after comparing three generation of ladies,not just among my relatives but random people within the society. 

My cousins married women who are so 'homely'. Homely as in women who have basic education, does not see the point in pursuing further education or having a career, does menial jobs and prioritizes the family above anything. They are modern Indian women whom are voluntarily shackled to the beliefs that a woman must be married at certain age and have kids. Somehow, being a 'kuttu vilaku' and obtaining approval from everyone within the society is their main objective in life. 

With the presence of such women even today, the pressure is high on single Indian women, especially those whom are above 30 years old. If you are have a career, again that doesn't compensate for being single unlike successful Indian men nor does it earn you any respect from other fellow Indian women. In their eyes, you are still the unmarried lady - possibly the one who can't find any guy for herself (as my late grandmother puts it) or leftovers (as how the society and Tamil cinema labels it). 

Recently, I have taken to Quora and I noticed there are so many questions in regards to single, Indian women above 30 facing various forms of pressure to get hitched. These women talk about how the society treats them and I was quite surprised to see a number of intellectual replies that are highly relatable to such questions. It assures me that many Indian women out there who have decided to diverge from the 'washing machine cycle' are also subjected to such unfair treatments within their close circles. 

Marriage ain't like those days anymore where you get married to a complete random stranger, adapt to his family and house, spread your legs for him and produce his babies. Many Indian aunties couldn't comprehend when I turn down certain proposals, citing that I am too picky. I told them I don't feel any connection or attraction nor intellectual compatibility to which they say - get married, you will get used to it (pogha, pogha athuve palagidum). It's like asking a woman to get use to abusive relationships simply to stay married.

I don't believe marriage should define the entire life of an Indian woman especially today when there are so many opportunities to build careers and to go after your personal desires. But I am looking at a reality where marriage still serves to elevate a woman's standing within the Indian society, not taking into account her education, salary or achievements. 

#RavishingRaven

#KKannammaa