#AllMenArePotentialRapist - a potential rape victim's perspective
The hashtag #AllMenArePotentialRapists is trending now because of the rise of rape incidents committed by men the victims and their families know and trust. The lift operator. The security guard. The plumber. The maintenance man. It's about not knowing who to trust. Rapists aren't unknown strangers lurking in the bushes, waiting to pounce on a victim any longer - they're increasingly turning out to be the men you are familiar with.
And, no, it's not coming to the conclusion that every man would want to rape me. It's about an alarm rising in me, heightened senses. I become more wary and more conscious of myself and the man who I am dealing with. The book, The Gift of Fear details how one should take all these into account. It's primal - our ancestors, the early man had these as a means of survival. To not get eaten by wild animals, for example.
I'll give some examples when I experienced these heightened senses at the men who I've known all my life:
- Once, my maternal uncle hugged me too hard and held me a tad too long. Instantly, I got into alert mode. I didn't think he was molesting me but the alarm that rose in me was primal. He's my favourite uncle.
- My cousin brother said I am sexy. That was super awkward and I fell into a moment of wariness. Another time, another cousin brother held me by my waist and didn't let go when I told him to. I elbowed him and he let go. I didn't think he was molesting me but I got self conscious and exerted myself physically so that he will stop doing something I didn't like to me.
- My history teacher telling us the female students that it would be nice if there's a mattress in the history room, that 'he could get comfy with us.' Besides me, all my classmates clearly displayed discomfit in their facial expressions. I went to an all girls school.
These men didn't harass me. At the same time, I couldn't help suspecting they would or deciding whether what they did or said is harassment. I have been sexually harassed in a full blown manner many times in my life, most of which occurred when I was an underaged child, not a woman. Only thrice by unknown men, excluding the cat calls and grabs and nudges in crowded public buses. All the other times, I was sexually harassed by the men I know and my parents trusted me to.
I am careful not to touch any man's hand - both known and unknown when they hand something to me. I don't think the guy would rape me if I touched his hand yet, I can't help being wary. When I wanted to get a lump on my right breast checked out, I insisted that I will wait for a lady doc to get unoccupied despite male doctors being at my service. It was because when I was hospitalised once for a liver condition, a male doctor, as he pressed my tummy as I laid on my back, started to rub my nipple through my hospital gown. I wasn't wearing undergarments. That was shocking - I just froze when the doctor did that to me. When a doctor can do that to his patient, tell me who to trust?
So, do you see why the tag cropped up? Don't ask me if Abdul Kalam was a potential rapist. The tag predominantly refers to the men you know and trust. Sai Baba and Michael Jackson didn't molest me - they allegedly molested children entrusted to them. Proximity matters. Opportunity is the key. My hospital gown and me not wearing a bra are to be blamed? I was ill. The doctor's job is to treat me, not molest me. He has no right to use my weakness to his advantage.
And, the protracted rape of the 11 year old girl by 17/15/22 men (not sure of the accurate number) shoved this tag into the mainstream like a blitzkrieg. The least we could do is be more sensitive towards how we treat our women and towards the men who sound like potential rapists, anywhere, on Facebook, WhatsApp all men groups, or locker rooms.
No one likes to be called a potential rapist or a abuser or a criminal. But, we have to accept the fact that we are not wholly good. I know I am not. I bullied a classmate. I dissed a friend. I have done many wrong things and I accept that as a part of me. Now what I am doing is to not repeat the wrongs I've done. If you can accept that all of us have the potential to be good, you have to accept the opposite as true as well because it is true. In this case, the focus is on rape. Men and boys get raped too but rape predominantly happens to females. And, when I speak of male rape, it's the males who say that the male rape victims who were raped by women are 'lucky.' We can't clump female rape together with male rape like how we can't clump SpaceX Mars mission with cancer research. Both are science but they travel in different trajectories. Same here. Different and independent factors are involved.
So yeah, try to be more good today than you were yesterday. That's all that matters in not only reducing rapes but to make the world a better place. Don't litter. Flush the public toilet after using it - no one wants to see what you 'deposited' in the commode. Switch to menstrual cups. Recycle. Don't waste food, water and electricity. Don't park your car at the parking lots reserved for disabled people. ETC. It requires self discipline, empathy, civil conduct and social responsibility.
No one likes to be called a potential rapist or a abuser or a criminal. But, we have to accept the fact that we are not wholly good. I know I am not. I bullied a classmate. I dissed a friend. I have done many wrong things and I accept that as a part of me. Now what I am doing is to not repeat the wrongs I've done. If you can accept that all of us have the potential to be good, you have to accept the opposite as true as well because it is true. In this case, the focus is on rape. Men and boys get raped too but rape predominantly happens to females. And, when I speak of male rape, it's the males who say that the male rape victims who were raped by women are 'lucky.' We can't clump female rape together with male rape like how we can't clump SpaceX Mars mission with cancer research. Both are science but they travel in different trajectories. Same here. Different and independent factors are involved.
So yeah, try to be more good today than you were yesterday. That's all that matters in not only reducing rapes but to make the world a better place. Don't litter. Flush the public toilet after using it - no one wants to see what you 'deposited' in the commode. Switch to menstrual cups. Recycle. Don't waste food, water and electricity. Don't park your car at the parking lots reserved for disabled people. ETC. It requires self discipline, empathy, civil conduct and social responsibility.
P/S I have very good relationships with my aforementioned uncle and cousin bros.
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